Alright. The fantasy league is coming down to the wire, taking six teams to the playoffs. The top five teams have already secured a birth in the playoffs, with Quad leading the way at number one yet again.

The surprise of the league is none other than E-bonious-Rex. He is currently in sixth place with a slim 25 point lead over number 7. An E-bone win next week and a number seven loss clinches a playoff berth. If he loses and number 7 wins, he is out. If they both lose or both win, there has to be a 25 point swing against the Boner for him NOT to make it. Personally, I don’t see that happening. I think E-bone is in, sports fans, so please congratulate him while you can! E-Bone! Quad is rooting for you brother!

The thanksgiving holiday has come and gone, and I am still stuffed. Man, I told MQ that I think that was the BEST thanksgiving we have ever had food wise. The only bad thing about that day was that I had to stop eating. Hell, I am still eating leftovers. But hey! That’s part of the tradition, right?

I went striper fishing on Sunday. I caught one 21-inch striper, but a shit load of blue catfish. The storms we had Wednesday and Thursday washed them down to the James River Bridge, so my father-in-law and I had a blast. I’ll tell you this, that was the best damn catfish I think I have ever had. While I was gone, MQ decorated the outside of the house for Christmas. Man, she does such a good job.

Of course, the news of the week for me was the fact that Mal Moore the asshole fired the Alabama football coach after only four years. I didn’t see it coming. I honestly thought he would get one more year, but that his offensive staff would be fired. It wasn’t like the Tide was continuously lighting it up, you know. But, me nor the Tide nation expected this. Expect the unexpected, which is why I think Steve Spurrier from SC will come to Tide Town. Sorry Jake-O, but Spurrier’s ego is 10 times larger than SC. We’ll see.

Until next time.............

First things first: Where the hell is jake-o? no one has neard from him in a couple of weeks. He didn’t even respond to some brotherhood bantering last week, which is unlike him. I think he might be mad because I mentioned that he liked gum jobs and come to find out he went tdy with a woman whose last name is “gumbs.” Hmmmm. That’s a little too coincidental for Quad.

Well, after 10 weeks of completely dominating my fantasy league, I got my ass handed to me this week by the warthogs. What makes it worse, I share an office with the Warthogs coach. Can you believe that every single one of my starters were on teams that lost this past weekend? And what the hell is up with rex grossman? That bitch has lost his game or something. Anyway…….

Since it looks like the Slackers won again, this will drop me back into second place. The niners lost big as well, which drops them to a 5-way tie for third. E-bone got waxed, as usual. Turns out he got his ass kicked by a GIRL!!!!! Maybe she could have used some of that ass wax on his one eyed, one brow, flying purple people eaters, dudes. Two weeks to go until the playoffs. I have the Krunchers (next to last) next week as a warm up for the Syrens, the devilish woman coached team who is wreaking havoc on the league.

Now on to the real story……

Saturday was one of those rare days when I went shopping with the Mrs. Not that I wanted to, mind you. But they changed the dress code at work (again) so I had to go buy some new shirts, sweaters and pants. Since Penney’s was having a sale, Mrs. Quad (referred to hereafter as MQ) wanted to go there. I am not going into the details, so fast forward to the register.

MQ had these coupons that she could use, along with the big sale. $20 off for purchases over $100, $15 off for purchases over $75 but not over $100, and $10 off on purchases over $50 but not over $75. the next thing I know, MQ has used three $20 coupons and one each of the $15 and $10 ones. So when I added up the savings, we saved almost 50% of our total, to the tune of $409…….so if I saved $409, you can imagine what MQ spent. What turned out to be a quick trip for me to buy some clothes turned into clothes for me, clothes for Pookie, a complete bed set (comforter, shams, etc.) for my daughter, and a new 7.5 foot lighted Christmas tree. Now I know why I don’t like to shop with her: SHE SPENDS MY MONEY!!!!!

So we end up at Sam’s club for something (I can’t remember). I’m walking around while MQ is shopping and I came across this Santa. It’s a beautiful statue that one would place in their home to celebrate the holidays.


So as I stood there admiring Santa, I noticed something: SANTA HAD CAMEL TOES!!!!!! But let me digress for a moment.

Years ago, Hor-Hey and I jumped into my little four cylinder Toyota truck and beat street up to Dover, Delaware one Saturday. It doesn’t matter why we went, but we did. On the way home we stopped somewhere (I think it was McDonald’s) to get something to eat. Needless to say, the woman behind the counter was wearing pants that were two sizes two small for her 300lb body, which left her with extremely massive camel toes, the size of two fists together.

Quad: hey hor-hey. Check out those camel toes.
Hor-hey: where?
Quad: on that woman behind the counter.
Hor-hey: oh shit……….

And he threw up right there, in front of everybody. The projectile vomit bounced off of the counter and splattered the burgers waiting to be served. A clump of it even went into the deep fryer and when they pulled it out, it was a hamburger sized patty of fried puke. I don’t know what was more gross: the camel toes or Hor-hey puking. Which brings me to Santa.

Of all the people you would think would have a huge ONE, it would be Santa. I mean, come on. This guy has been getting away with coming into people’s homes for years. Couple that with having to keep eight reindeer (nine if you count Rudolph) trained and fed year round and you have someone that you would think had the largest schlong and grapefruit sized cahoonas this side of John Wayne in his prime. But nooooooooooo. Whomever came up with the idea of making this Santa took away his dignity by giving him Camel toes.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t go around checking out guy’s packages, whether the guy is a person or a statue…..but this was so noticeable, I am surprised someone hasn’t written a letter to the editor of the Daily Press. So here I stood, in the middle of the holiday spread at Sam’s club, disappointed as hell because they made Santa out to be something he is NOT. I know most of you wouldn’t believe this story, so here is a picture of Santa’s camel toes.

News

Before I get into this week's blog, i want to give everyone an update on the fantasy football league. while this doesn't interest most folks, it should interest those who have a stake in knowing E-Bone.

Ebone won this week and won big. check this out. it doesn't matter what who he beat or how much. what matters is what his score was: 69 baby. can you dig it? do you think the Bone is trying to lay something on us that we don't know about? hmmmm. how subliminal can one get?

Quad won HUUUUGE over the previously ranked number 1 team, the Master Slackers from the good town of Pittsburgh. Not only did i win, i won by 25 points. even though we both now have 2 losses, i am firmly in first because i have scored more points overall. after 10 weeks, i have scored 1090 or so points. with three weeks to play, however, i have to play two top 6 teams, either of which i could possibly meet in the playoffs. i have secured a spot with a first round bye to the first and second place teams. I am totally into this because I want to REPEAT as champion. Yes, you read that right brothers and sisters. REPEAT. R-E-double P-EAT!!! now, on to this week's blog.

to prepare you, i went to myrtle beach for the weekend. while my wife and everyone went for fun in the sun, i went to look at properties. why? not to buy, dudes. but so i could write the entire weekend off for my business. anyway, here is the chronicled weekend.

Thursday: not much to write about a 6.5 hour drive with your wife and a four year old. After an action packed, fun filled 6 hours at work, the highlight of the trip, other than getting to myrtle beach, was stopping along the way to eat at waffle house. It was funny because here you had waffle house regulars (on a Thursday evening) making fun of the waitress. It was good to see that even though those people didn’t have anything else better to do on a Thursday than to hang out at waffle house, they were, at least, laughing. I love laughing.

Friday: my wife and pookie went swimming while I went to breakfast with my in-laws. Here’s a riddle for you: what has eight tits and 16 teeth? The morning crew at denny’s . this one was no lie. The hostess was missing all four of her front teeth. Here gums shown from fang to fang. Plus, she was only about 4 feet tall. I couldn’t help but think of jake, because he has always told us how much he likes gum jobs. Even though I went fishing, it was a relatively slow, relaxing day. Man, I could use more days like this.

Saturday: we went fishing again in the morning and not even the damn crabs were biting. The blues were running sparodically. This meant that no other fish were around if the blues are there. They are such bullies. After taking a well deserved nap, we went to eat at Crabby Mike’s seafood buffet. Man, was that good. they had raw oysters and I bet I ate 30 of them damn things. While there, I was able to watch the final 5 minutes of the florida/south Carolina game. I was in a quandary. If I am not rooting for Alabama, I am rooting for florida. However, I am a steve spurrier fan and wanted to root for the gamecocks because that’s jake-o’s team. But I just couldn’t overcome the temptation of being a florida fan in the middle of a restaurant filled with south Carolina gamecocks. It, well, brings out the COCK in me. Needless to say, when florida blocked the last kick, I let out a yell showing my enthusiasm that only the Quad could do. I looked around…..no one was left in the bar. That night, I watched Alabama suck ass to LSU. Alabama sucks……

Sunday: we leave fairly early so that we wouldn’t have to travel at night. Everyone but me wanted to stop at krispy kreme for doughnuts before hitting the road. It literally made me sick to my stomach to watch them eat that crap. At one point I did what all men should avoid in a marriage: I mentioned weight.

Ms. Quad: Why are you looking at me like that?
Quad: like what?
MQ: like all disgusted or something
Quad: because I can’t believe you actually can eat that crap.
MQ: oooooo. It’s good……
Quad: well, you know what? Don’t ever mention or complain about your weight again if you are going to eat shit.

All hell then broke loose because I caught it from my wife and my mother-in-law. At one point, my mother-in-law had what she thought was an epiphany when she said, “WE don’t think about weight while we are on vacation!!!!”
What? You mean your body stops gaining weight if you are not at home? Aaaaaahhhh. A profound statement by someone (her) that doesn’t know what she is talking about.

So we hit the road and all is well until later in the afternoon when pookie gets hungry. They all want to stop at waffle house. Fuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkk…..

Quad: I don’t want to eat at fucking waffle house! That shit is worse than krispy cream.
MQ: it’s not about you…..it’s about pookie liking their eggs.
Quad: two things. 1) it’s not about pookie either. It’s about where your mom wants to eat. 2) waffle house isn’t the only place to get eggs. Besides, we ate there the other night.
MQ: it doesn’t matter.

So we stop at waffle house and everyone orders but me. I wasn’t going to eat that shit. I order pookie a chocolate chip waffle, bacon, and two scrambled eggs. Guess what? He didn’t eat a bit of it except for a little bit of the waffle. So much for him liking their eggs. Anyway, my wife and in-laws couldn’t fathom the fact that I didn’t order anything to eat. So I just sat there and drank my coffee and thought, some days you’re the windshield and some days you’re the bug. I was obviously the bug…….

You have seen me write several times about the brotherhood. You have read about E-bone, Jake-O, and even Hor-Hey. I have very seldomed mentioned the fifth brother: dickie. So let me fess up now by saying that I haven’t seen dickie in, shit, I don’t know how many years.

Dickie left the BH while in the air force and went to California for several years. Legend has it that upon retirement he moved back to this area and is enjoying his military retirement while working construction. Legend further has it that he recently had a foot race with one of E-bone’s kids and lost his wallet in the doing.

I mention the foot race because dickie was an integral part of one of our softball teams back in the ‘90s. this wasn’t just any ball team. This team won tournaments, partied like rock stars, fought like enemies, but won and won often. Four base championships in 6 years was no fluke, dudes. And dickie was the un-sung man. He pitched, batted left handed and ran the bases like the wind. When I would watch him run, it was like watching those guys in chariots of fire run on water; he seemed to not touch the ground while running, a mirage of floating in effortless motion while everything else slowed to an almost standstill.

So I decided a while back to pack my bags and go on an expedition to find dickie. And I found him. Turns out dickie, while working construction, is very heavily involved in toy making. Yep. You heard me right. I didn’t believe it until I went to the toy store and found toys with dickie’s brand on there. I tried to tell jake and the fellas, but they didn’t believe me. So I did what any good investigator would do. TAKE PICTURES. Here they are: solid proof that dickie is not only alive an well, but is bettering this world by making toys that make kids smile.

The Dickie symbol.

Where do you get YOUR power? I get mine from here.

The Dickie Remote Control.

I wish my boat was a Dickie Sailing boat!

The Dickie Sailing Boat Complete Set

And finally, Dickie Toys, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Super Jiggy E Made Me Sick!!!

I know it has been a while since I have written, but I am blaming my absence on the Super Jiggy E. you see, I read his blog about how the flu his family had would not go away. The very same night I read that, I got sicker than dog shit, throwing up so hard that I 1) lost my voice due to a swollen throat 2) bruised some ribs because of the ferocity of the heaves.

With that said, I am back on my feet finally and am now battling the cold portion of the flu. I can deal with that. but you can keep the puking. I hate that shit.

Congrats to E-Bone, who finally won a game in our fantasy football league. Not only did he beat one of the better teams, he waxed their ass by 64 + points, and scored the second highest score in the league this year behind, of course, the L-Quad Dudesters. Damn E!!! where did THAT come from?

As for me, I suffered my second defeat, which puts me back into 2nd. The one time that the 1) bears suck and 2) michael vick decides to play like a normal person, it happens this weekend. Considering that I have 1) vick as my quarterback 2) bears kicker 3) bears defense and 4) merrian (from da bears) as WR, I lost by 7.5 points. The game of the week is this week, sportsfans, in week ten. My team, the L-Quad Dudesters, go up against perennial number 1, the Master Slackers, in what could decide the number one seed in the playoffs.

If I beat the master slackers, then we are both tied record wise, but I move into first with more points scored. Even if I lose, I stay in second because of most points scored and still earn a first round bye. This game, my friends, is a prelude the championship game. You heard it here first.

Most of you are not going to believe what I am about to tell you, but I’ll tell you anyway. I’ve started a new company to hold my future real estate investments. To make a long story short, I bid on a 244 unit apartment complex this past Friday to the tune of 6.3 million. Do I have that kind of money? Hell no. but I know where to get it. I found out today that I am in the final 4, so we’ll see. I don’t know if I’ll get it even if I win the bid because we (my team and i) will be asking close to 250,000 dollars in rebates to help convert the current boiler heating system and window AC’s to central air. Not sure if they’ll take that, but hey………the worst thing they can do is say no and we move on to the next deal.

It looks like I will be making an offer on a fully occupied five tenant strip mall in Chesapeake. Asking price is 7.3 mill, with 4.3 down and the assumption of a loan at 7.7%, amortized over 30 years, but due in 3. here’s the kicker, dudes. Instead of assuming the loan, I can get the loan defeased (thrown out) to the tune of 730K, depending on the day and interest rates. What that means is I can pay the down payment, and pay 730K or so to have the loan released and the property released as collateral.

So I finance 80% of the asking price of 7.3 mil, which is 5.84 mil. Pay the 4.3 mil DP, plus the 730K defeasement fee for a total of 5,030,000. subtract that from the original loan amount of 5.84, and Quad walks away with 810,000 cash, tax free (debt isn’t taxable). After all that, the property will still cash flow to the tune of around 6K per month, with every tenant in for long term leases (5 years or more). That’s what I am talking about.

So that is what Quad has been up to since his sickness. Hang in there, folks. There’s more to come.