If you read yesterday’s post then you read my diatribe about our dryer going out. Needless to say, MQ and her parents have spent the better part of the last couple of days looking for new dryers. I have to hand to MQ though. As weird as she about things having their place and about hiding the cords from the Christmas lights, I was surprised to find out that she just wanted a high capacity dryer. It didn’t have to match. If you know MQ at all, you’ll understand my surprise.

MQ has this friend who has been real sick. If you have been reading me for a while, you may have read where I mentioned her friends husband in a discussion I had about guys being “Man Bitches.” Anyway, MB’s wife has been real sick so MQ has been checking in on her daily to keep tabs. During her conversation yesterday or the day before, MQ’s friend told her that she had a dryer in her garage that is just taking up space. She said we could have it if we came and got it because she ultimately bought a matching set. So my wife called and told me all of this.

I was excited because I wasn’t going to have to shell out the money for a new dryer. Again, I am, uhhh, sort of chincy with my money, if you know what I mean. I have no problem buying eels for striper fishing at $2 a pop, plus 20 oz sinkers at 18 cents an ounce, or maybe even spending close to $100 for some stretch-20’s and stretch-25’s (if you fish, you know what I am talking about). But man, I just couldn’t handle having to take money away from my boating/fishing habit to buy a dryer. Know what I mean?

So I meet MQ over at her friend’s house last night to pick up the dryer. All went well. MB actually helped me out a little. Pookie was excited because he got to walk up the ramps to the back of my truck. MQ was happy because she got a dryer. I was happy because I didn’t have to spend money, plus MB gave me a beer. Hell, what more could I ask for, you know?

When we get home and I start to unload the dryer, for some reason it looked very familiar to me. But, I thought it was just me because sometimes it seems like everything looks familiar to me.

This is how you know you live right and do the right things. And this type of shit happens to me all the damn time, it seems. But anyway, I unload the dryer and take it into the laundry room. It was then I realized why I thought the dryer looked familiar: it is the exact match to the washer. Can you believe that? An exact match. That, my friends, is how you know you live right.

First things first. E-bone WINS! E-bone WINS! Yes, my friends, for the second year in a row, the lowest seeded team comes through to win our fantasy football league. Just as Quad came from the 4th seed last year, the mighty E-bone’s Bills ram shacked its way through the bracket, finally beating perennial number one Master Slackers by 1.5 points. In melodious order, E-bone took out the L-Quad Dudesters, the Syrens, and finally the Master Slackers on his way to championship glory. So, E-bone, let me be the first to congratulate you on your win. You deserved it after all the bashing I gave you. But I’ll be honest, as much as I wanted to repeat as champion, I would rather YOU have it if I couldn’t. It just goes to show that we are brothers I all that we do.

Quad celebrated his 45th birthday on the 22nd. I think it was the best birthday yet. We (wife, kids, and in-laws) celebrated at Yukihana’s (again), and I got some cool gifts. The main one being a 30gb Ipod. The little 2gb that I got for father’s day just wasn’t cutting it.

Christmas eve sort of sucked, but not because it was Christmas eve. MQ was doing her womanly duties, the laundry, and the dryer went out in mid-cycle. So I did the manly thing and volunteered to take the clothes to the local Laundromat and dry them. Besides, it would give me a chance to get caught up on my reading. The whole time I was driving to the Laundromat I was trying to convince myself that the good Lord made this happen for a reason, that there was a REAL reason that I was being sent to the Laundromat on Christmas eve.

Maybe, I thought, I was going to get to experience what Christmas is really about: giving and being thankful. I drove there, excited with overwhelming anticipation. As I walked in and saw that every damn washer and dryer was being used, it was then I realized why I was sent there: so that I could see where every damn, bean eating, burrito loving illegal alien spends their Sundays. I haven’t seen that many damn illegal-aliens since they marched back in may, protesting their illegality.

I never understood that either. Here we are, knowing we have a problem with illegals, trying to solve the problem of them coming into our country illegally, came up with this GREAT idea of building a fucking wall to try to keep them out, when all they had to do is this: we knew they were marching in every major city in America on May 3rd. why didn’t we round them bitches up THEN and send them back? Maybe I would have been able to dry my clothes on Christmas eve. But nooooooooooo. We want to build a wall!!!

Anyway, I ended up over at my in-laws house and dried them there. The cool thing about that was that they were at MY house for Christmas dinner! I still was able to catch up on my reading as well as eat one of the chocolate covered marshmallow santas they were saving for Pookie. Man, was that damn thing good or what?

E-Bone and A Wal-Mart Rant

It’s now official: E-Bone is in the finals against the Master Slackers! E-bone won H-U-DOUBLE-G-UGE this week. Beat the Syrens by a solid ten points. Projections show E-bone to be an almost double-digit point favorite, so we are ALL rooting for the Boner. Hey, if it can’t be Quad, it has to be E-bone. We have to keep it all in the family, you see.

So I was reading the Super Jiggy E blog yesterday and he was ranting about going to Wal-Mart. Even though they boast about low prices, I can’t go into there without spending a hundred bills or so. It’s been a long time since Quad busted on Wal-Marts, but I have to say something about a trip there me and the Pook went on this weekend.

It’s bad enough you have to put up with all the undesirables that normally shop there, which is where I think I am a little fortunate. The Wal-Mart I frequent in Yorktown is relatively new and it just doesn’t attract the customer base the ones in Hampton and Newport News do. If you are familiar with this area, you know what I am talking about. But, my Wal-Mart still suffers from what the others do: people stopping in the middle of the aisle to talk.

So this weekend, me and Pook were motoring through there because we were on a mission. And all of a sudden these people in front of me stopped right in the middle of the aisle and just started talking. What the hell?

No I am all for collaborating when you are shopping with someone because collaboration breeds expediency. Evidently, not everyone believes that. but why in the hell do you have to stop in the middle of the aisle to talk? Can’t you pull over to the side like you do on the highway? I mean, God forbid you decided to stop in the middle of I-64 so you can discuss which exit to take, you know? The same law should apply in the store. Pull over, let the others pass you buy.

Otherwise, you might find a shopping cart up your Jake-O…….know what I mean, Vern?

E-Bone, Tailgates, and Teen Age Girls

It looks as though E-bone is going to have the last laugh after all. Coming in with a 7-6 record and having the 6th seed, he has very quietly knocked off the number 3 and 2 seeds in successive weeks. Yep, E-bone beat the Syrens by two points and he STILL has a player playing tonight. So it looks like it will be E-bone’s Bills vs. the Master Slackers from the steel city of Pittsburgh for the championship. Can you believe that? What makes matters worse, Quad scores the most points in the league AGAIN to take the 5th spot (hopefully). The Wart Hogs have a player tonight and he needs to make up 18 points or so. Man, story of my life: kick ass and take names all season, lose to the syrens in a fluke in the last week, lose to the Bone Man in the first round, then was able to score the most points because Vick decides to throw 4 touchdowns!

Hey Vick the Dick! Where was this shit the last couple of weeks when I needed it most, you wanker spanker?

I was supposed to play golf yesterday with jake-o, hor-hey, and double-L, but we went o Yukihana on Saturday, this hibachi type Japanese place. Man, I was up all night with the stomach aches and diarrhea. I just could see myself trying to swing it yesterday when I had to shit every five minutes or so.

So I was driving pookie to school on Friday and we always play this game to see how many trucks we can see that have ladders. I know it sounds corny, but the kid is only 4 and if that is what he wants to do, then fine. Anyway, this white truck passes us. Naturally, because it is white, it is dirty. But check this out. Someone had taken their finger and written on the tail gate “I wish my wife was this dirty.” I snickered as I watched it drive away and thought, “Mine too, dude. Mine too.”

Stopped by hardees on my way home from fishing on Saturday. I don’t normally go to hardees, but it was the closest fast food store around that I could take a piss at. Anyway, I’m standing there waiting for my order when this teenage girl walks in. since it was so warm on Saturday, she had on this tee shirt. I turned around and read it. It read, “Let me be honest with you…I’m a liar.” Hmmm. What irony lies within that shirt. So if one is a liar and is being honest with you, does that still make them a liar or a non-liar? Man, I am still confused over that one.

Anyway, let me run………I just wanted to give you guys a quick update to let you know that we will all be rooting for E-Bone next week! It would give me extreme pleasure, as reigning champion, to pass this year’s trophy to him. GO E-BONE! GO!!!!!!

I am old

Well, I am officially old now. You have heard me write before about the future of Alabama football, my son Pookie (4 years old). I haven’t written too much about my daughter. She is turning 14 tomorrow. She’s your typical brooding teenager who lives for books, game boys, and playstations. She’s a good girl who loves her daddy, as do all women it seems.

You see, when my daughter was three, my then wife left the both of us hanging so she could go “find herself” with this couple. From what I understand, the only thing she found was the guy’s you-know-what up her dook-chute while her face was buried in the poonanie of the wife. Weird, I know, but if you know my ex, you could fathom that whole scenario. So after almost 15K is legal fees, I won sole custody of my daughter and raised her BY MYSELF until she was nine, which just happened to be the time me and MQ started dating.

It seems as her mother got older, she has become more melancholic and is now trying to be the mom that she wasn’t during the formative years of our daughter. Thus, you can see why my daughter is reserved and brooding. So what does this have to do with me being old?

Well, I get a call from my ex on Wednesday saying that she got a call from my daughter’s school because, you guessed it, my daughter started her period. It was a weird feeling because I don’t know how I was feeling. I still don’t two days later.

So, Quad fans, I am old. BUT…………….I can still whoop Jake and E-bone’s asses in golf!!!!

E-Bone and Victoria's Secret

All bullshit aside, I spend a lot of time reading business magazines and listening to podcasts about business, negotiating, real estate, etc. I am always particularly interested in the history of businesses, specifically how they got their names.

For example, back in the day I used to throw an annual party that turned out to be one of the biggest throw downs in Hampton, VA. For the last three years of it, I hired this band called “Exit 173.” One time while talking to them, I asked them how they got the name for the band. They told me they were traveling in Tennessee once in the early days (before the band was formerly a band). During the ride, they were contemplating what to call the band when they came upon the exit there were supposed to take, which happened to be Exit 173. Thus, the name stuck.

Business history is littered with both good and bad names, some names borderline stupid or absurd. For example, there is a local law firm called “Notable Attorneys.” I’m quite sure that some one could and would read the name of their firm as “Not Able Attorneys” and come away with a connotation different that what was intended. Then there is the “Gun Skill” (guns kill) shooting range, a talent agency called “Cast Raters” (castrators), an online movies database called “KnowsPics.com” (nose picks), and finally my favorite: a motivation consulting company called “DO! DO!”

For some reason, trivial things like that interest me. One business name that has always baffled me was Victoria’s Secret. Knowing that the store sells lingerie and the like, many people have always thought that that is where the name came from: the founder’s name was Victoria and her secret was what she was wearing underneath her clothes. Hmmm. That’s logical. But now the truth comes out.

Turns out that Victoria isn’t a Victoria at all, but a formerly “Victor” who had gender identity problems and decided to start the process to become Victoria. Legend has it that Victor grew up an only child of a couple who divorced because the wife left the husband for another woman. As a result, Victor grew up being exposed to everything “woman,” and eventually thought that he should be Victoria instead of Victor. Having the support of his Mom and Mom, he started selling women’s under clothes at parties like Tupperware, hosted by women in the privacy of their own homes in hopes of funding his eventual sex change operation. The business became so succesful, he decided to take it mainstream, all the while parading around like a woman, calling himself Victoria, building a business empire that spans the globe.

But now, for the first time, we all know what Victoria’s Secret really is. It isn’t lingerie at all. It’s this:


So now that the truth is out, I wonder if it will still be called Victoria’s Secret or E-bone’s Night Out?

E-Bone's Bills Upset the L-Quad Dudesters

The football gods have repaid me for talking so much shit the last few weeks. As predicted yesterday, perennial powerhouse E-Bone’s Bills knocked Quad out of the Fantasy Football playoffs with a nail biting two point win.

After steamrolling through the league, I talked more shit than Jake-O’s ass when he has the quails, even going so far as petitioning my boss to put a plaque up in the hallway denoting the yearly champions because I was so sure I would repeat.. I clinched a playoff spot after 9 weeks, and was guaranteed a first round bye until that bitch rex grossman decided to have a bad couple of weeks. So I went back to Michael vick at QB and what does he do? Decides for one game out of the year NOT to run, doesn’t throw a TD pass, throws an interception, and only gets me 5 MFing points after averaging almost 18 all year. What a time to decide to play human, bitch!

So I did what any good sportsman would do: I called the Bone first thing this morning and congratulated him. Here’s the conversation:

Bone: hello. This is boner
Quad: hey man. It’s quad. I just wanted to say………….
Bone, interrupting Quad in mid-sentence: DOWN GOES MACHO! DOWN GOES MACHO! Click.

That’s right, the Bone hung up on Quad. While on the phone, I could hear partying, music, chics, and Ebone singing

Weeeeeeeeee are the champions, of footballllllll!
Weeeeeeee beat the shit out offfffff the Quaddddddddddd!
Quaaaaaad is an assssssshole.
QUAD IS AN ASSHOLE!
We are the champions
We are the championssssssssssssss.
Of the leagueeeeeeeeeee!

Can you believe that shit? Oh well, I just wanted to tell E-Bone congratulations and that I still love him!

Now, I think I’ll go drink and prepare for my 5th place game this week with the WartHogs.

On the Ropes with Quad

In what could rival some of the greatest upsets in sports history, it looks as though Quad’s reign atop the fantasy football world could very easily come to a close tonight. What looked like a slam dunk repeat just two weeks ago, Quad is now on the ropes by the late bloomer and perennial new comer, E-Bone’s Bills. Quad has to make up 25.5 points tonight with the Bears defense and the Bears kicker. Projections show only a 17 point differential, but projections are wrong.

E-bone, normally silent, sent the following email to the Quad this morning and CC’d all of the brotherhood. Check it out.

“Tomorrow's headline: The newcomer E-Bone takes down last years champ, or is that chump, the L-Quad Dudesters! I know, I know, you still have two players left tonight, but you need 25 points, and there only 17 projected. Ain't never gonna happen. You should have known better that to stay with Vic! Ha, 4 points. Last you played me he had 4 touchdowns, you knew that was a once in a lifetimer.

E-Bone's the man!”

So tomorrow, one of two things is going to happen. E-bone is going to be gloating because the unthinkable has happened. If Quad loses, reverberations of Howard Cosell, when George Forman knocked down Joe Frazier, will be heard: “DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!” Except the world will be chanting, “DOWN GOES MACHO! DOWN GOES MACHO!”

OR, Quad will do what he normally goes against the E-bone and pull 26 points out of his ass and send the Bone packing, all the while singing, “NA NA NA NA……NA NA NA NA……….HEY HEY HEY………GOODBYE!!!!!!!”

Good luck, Boner.

The Ironies of Marriage

I watched an interview with Donald Trump once, and he was asked about his marriage. He said he likes being married, but only if he doesn’t have to “work” at it. he said that if he has to “work” at his marriage, then it isn’t worth being married. What he was really saying is that people make marriage more difficult than it needs to be. And I agree with that. marriage shouldn’t be this massive struggle that just saps the energy right out of you every day.

But he didn’t speak of the great ironies of marriage. Hmmm. I wonder why.

Which brings me to this: why do women tell you one thing, then get pissed off when you do what they said you could do?

We all know of the story of MQ telling me that I could go fishing one time while we were at Nags Head. So I went, and returned about six or seven hours later to a pissed off wife.

Quad: why are you pissed? YOU said I could go fishing!
MQ: I didn’t say you could stay all day!
Quad: you didn’t specify a time limit. Besides, there can’t be a time limit when you go fishing!
MQ: why not?
Quad: because it goes against the laws of man and nature. Besides, I give you permission to bring me a damn beer, but yet I don’t bitch about how long it takes you.

Which brings me to a recent fishing trip with my father in law.

You heard the story. While not as great as the story of E “Rolan Martin” Bone’s striper story of late, we did catch some striper and a whole heard of blue catfish, one of which weighed well over 20lbs.

So by the time we got back, cleaned the fish, cleaned the boat and was done, it was already 4 o’clock or so. MQ didn’t bitch at all. She enjoyed me being gone because she was able to decorate the house. Plus, I had the future of Alabama Football with me: Pookie. So MQ had some “quiet” time. But my mother in law is a different story.

Instead of spending the day in relaxation, she decides that she will wash windows, knowing damn well that doing them from outside is next to impossible for her because of her knee replacement. But she did it anyway……then bitched like there was no tomorrow at my father in law because he went fishing and wasn’t there to help her, even though it was HER idea that we go!

Which brings me to a recent “discussion” I had with MQ.

I came home last Tuesday from work to find a big assed crock pot full of beans. Seems MQ was looking out after the Quad by taking some of the left over ham from thanksgiving to make some beans. I love beans. I don’t necessarily like the way they make me have heartburn, but I love them. So when I saw this, I talked to MQ about it.

Quad: what are these for?
MQ: I knew you liked them, so I thought I would make you some.
Quad: that’s great! You didn’t have to do that!
MQ: I know, but it was something I knew you liked.
Quad: I appreciate it, but listen. I’m going to eat some beans when they are done, but please don’t say anything about the “effect” they will have on me after I eat them!

Which of course was a statement said in vain because the first time quad busted one out after eating beans, MQ gets all pissed off!

Quad: brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRAP!
MQ: why did you do that?
Quad: because I had to……..
MQ: hold it in!
Quad: I can’t……it hurts too much when I do.
MQ: then leave the room!
Quad: and get up off the couch? Bitch, please!!!!
MQ: well we shouldn’t have to suffer like this.
Quad: no suffering baby. Remember, Quad’s shit don’t stink!
MQ: yeah. Right.
Quad: you know it!

So here we have two examples of women creating great ironies within relationships, where none needed to be created! Problems arose because of these ironies, yet some how it was still our (men) fault. Which leaves me with a question for the Quad Kingdom:

Why do women do this?

E-bone, fishing, and football

So super jiggy e reported that E-bonious Rex went to the outer banks and supposedly landed a striper from the shore in the 40-50LB range. Being a striper fisherman and knowing a little about their migration habits and their habits in general, I was a little skeptical. However, I wasn’t THAT familiar with striper fishing in the outer banks. So I called a friend of mine, Jeff Branson, who runs a charter out of the Oregon inlet and told him the story. His answer? It’s plausible.

He said while unusual, it IS possible because there are deep pockets (15-20 feet deep) all along the outer banks. A striper could have found his/her way into one of those pockets by any number of ways, such as being chased by a much larger fish. Knowing that stripers that large are normally caught in the DEEP water 3 miles past the Chesapeake bay bridge tunnel, I’m still skeptical of the story. I want to see pictures!

Now, here’s the news of the week: E-BONE MADE THE PLAYOFFS!!! That’s right sports fans, E-bone made the final slot in a field of six in our fantasy football league. As expected (in last week’s update), the syrens beat the L-Quad Dudesters in the final week of play, bumping me down to the number three seed. As a result, my first round game is, you guessed it: E-BONES BILLS!!!!

That’s right brothers and sisters, the Bone gets a second shot at the defending champion, Quad the Bod. Stay tuned as it REALLY gets interesting this week.